January 26th, 2014 Edition

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CELESTIA ANNOUNCES HERO RECRUITMENT DRIVE

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"Diminished" Alpha Force seek to replace missing members
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Aaron Fonseca
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As investigations into the fate of Alpha Force superheroes Druid, Fissure and Zoom, who disappeared in November during an investigation into the appearance of an unexplained sinkhole in the Mojave Desert, continue without success, the team is officially seeking to replenish its numbers in their ongoing absence.

Queen Celestia of Equestria, the team’s de facto leader, described the team as “diminished” in the missing heroes’ absence and emphasized the need to fill these positions as soon as possible.

“We have not given up on finding Druid, Zoom or Fissure,” she said in an official statement issued this morning. “In my decades as a part of this team I have learned that Alpha Force members do not go down easily, and we can't dismiss the possibility that they have simply been trapped in an alternate plane of reality, or some kind of lost underground cave kingdom. However, this loss, even if it is temporary, has diminished our ranks tremendously, and I urge any would-be members, old or new, to make themselves known to us at the earliest convenience.”

She went on to instruct heroes interested in joining Alpha Force to present themselves to the reception desk at Alpha Force tower. “We will select the new roster based on interviews and trials with prospective members,” added Celestia, “so there is absolutely no need for anybody to break into the tower and kidnap our staff in order to demonstrate their skills. I have every faith that with the superhero community’s support we will be able to put together a team that Fissure, Zoom and Druid would be proud to see succeed them – and every hope that they will be returned home safely to see it.”

Tests into the origin of the unidentified crystalline mineral found at the site of the disappearance remain inconclusive.


Fowler's 2014 year off to an esoteric start
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Miranda Rush
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The Fowler Museum continues to celebrate its 50th year with the Fowler at Fifty event, a campaign dedicated to honoring its proud history with an ongoing series of special exhibitions. This January, they are kicking off the new year to a particularly outlandish start.

Melissa Ortega will be introducing her archaeological project titled Lands Apart, an exhibit utilizing views of ancient culture previously only entertained by conspiracy theorists. Lands Apart chronicles the themes and similarities throughout a collection of ancient artifacts found in locations all over the world. Themes that have frequently been used as evidence towards claims of pre-historical alien invasions.

An artifact from the exhibition Lands Apart.

"We've known we weren't alone in the universe for decades now, ever since the Alternian invasions in 1964," Ortega commented. "I think it is about time that gave a critical eye to ideas that previously would have been dismissed as fantasy."

Ortega, a born resident of Los Angeles and UCLA alumnus, said that she felt it was appropriate that her home city would be the first to witness her findings. "It makes a surprisingly coherent argument when you take it seriously," she said.

Ortega will be at the exhibition's opening on January 28th, and will be giving an introductory seminar on the subject at the UCLA campus.


Team Aqua declares an end to all land dwelling life
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Ali Schaffer
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If you're a frequenter of popular social media, you may all ready be a step ahead of the rest of us with this story.

Late last week, self proclaimed eco-terrorist group Team Aqua posted a controversial video to the website Youtube.com - a video that swiftly went viral, gaining hundreds of thousands of views within a window of mere hours. Clocking in at 7 minutes and 32 seconds, the video proclaims the seemingly unnatural nature of life on land, stating that "people should have stayed in the water, where they belonged."

The scientific community has condemned the video for scientific inaccuracy and general hysteria, but that hasn't stopped it from becoming a hit on popular websites like Facebook and Tumblr. The LAPD has noted an increase in Team Aqua activity over the past months, but is confident that its officers and the local registered heros have it under control.

"[Team Aqua] is always going on about something," Deputy Commissioner Kaminsky commented. "We would advise citizens to be cautious when attending beach areas, but there is no need for alarm."

To this date Team Aqua has been responsible for multiple cases of grand theft, kidnapping, assault, and the accidental beaching of a whale.


SPACE-OFF: ALTERNIA CHALLENGES SKRULLS
Alternian Fleet seen closing in on the Skrull Empire
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Abigail Truitt
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Extraterrestrial sources report that Alternian military vessels have been sighted near the borders of the Skrull space. Alternian forces last clashed with those of the Skrull Empire in 2008, near to our own solar system, in what is believed to have been a failed effort on the parts of both titanic interstellar powers to take hostile action towards Earth. Whether the Alternian Empire plans an assault on the Skrulls is unclear; sources closer to the potential conflict assert that this would be a reckless move, as the galactic empires are evenly matched in firepower. The appearance may have just been intimidation tactics to encourage the Skrulls to stay out of their way, in which case Earth may need to brace itself for another attempt by the Alternian Empire to expand into our arm of the galaxy, but according to CONDOR experts the Skrull Empire is unlikely to take the hint and back down.

“Skrulls are notoriously stubborn,” said CONDOR xenopsychologist Sophia Zalitis. “An attempt to intimidate the Skrull Empire is more likely to encourage them to rise to the challenge than persuade them to back off. If this is a sign that Alternia is gearing up for an assault on our solar system then it’s more likely we’ll see a repeat of the events of 2008 than anything else.”


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