capitalooc | FEBRUARY 2ND, 2014 EDITION

UCLA SINKHOLE STILL UNEXPLAINED

Experts claim link to Alpha Force disaster
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Heather Hernandez
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Search and rescue efforts continue at the site of the massive sinkhole that opened under the UCLA campus on Tuesday. The hole reportedly measures over 300 feet deep, making it nearly twice the size of the mysterious desert sinkhole where Alpha Force heroes Fissure, Druid and Zoom were last heard from in November. 12 people have been confirmed dead in the catastrophe, with 47 more injured and others still unaccounted for.

It is currently not known whether any of the individuals reported missing since the disaster have vanished without a trace in the same way as the missing Alpha Force members, but with investigators reporting fragments of a crystalline substance allegedly similar to the unidentified mineral that was found in the November sinkhole, and experts claiming this sinkhole to be every bit as unexplained as its predecessor, the possibility can’t be ruled out. “Even if nobody has vanished mysteriously this time, there is a clear link between these two events,” said Dr Irene Dilibe. “We need to uncover the cause behind these anomalous catastrophes as soon as possible so that we can act to prevent any future tragedies like this one.”

None of the heroes and emergency service members who ventured into the UCLA hole’s depths to help civilians have been reported missing, but CONDOR hero registration bureau spokeperson Alisha Daly stated in a press conference on Friday that although those there’s no way of knowing whether every hero is accounted for. “These kinds of catastrophes are one of the many reasons registration is the best option for any aspiring hero – we have no means of confirming the safety of any of the rogue vigilantes who volunteered their help at the UCLA sinkhole, and thus no way to help them if something has gone wrong.” Agent Daly declined to respond to detractors who pointed out that so far no way to help the Alpha Force heroes who disappeared last year has been found.

Many victims were patrons of the Fowler Museum’s Lands Apart exhibit, which debuted on the day the sinkhole opened and showcased artifacts that some claimed pointed to evidence of extraterrestrial interference in human prehistory and antiquity. Archaeologist Melissa Ortega, the curator of the project, is among those who have yet to be retrieved from the sinkhole.

Harmony Medtech responds to viral accusations
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Ali Schaffer
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Information can be a dangerous thing, a saying proved by last week's reaction to the supposedly "dubious" ethics of Harmony Medtech. Popular "hacktivist" website Uplink released a report of Harmony's alleged malpractice, including evidence stolen from the corporation's databases. Evidence which suggests that Harmony Medtech has engaged in the collection of genetic samples without permission, as well as bribing hospital employees.

Vice President Midori Hernandez was swift to call a press conference, in which she expounded upon the many scientific breakthroughs and life saving technologies Harmony has contributed to the medical community in recent years.

Hernandez speaking in the emergency press conference.

"The security breach is still being investigated," she said when questioned on the accuracy of the accusations. It was explained that until the investigation has been completed, they cannot comment on the nature of the stolen information.

Police investigation into the website Uplink.net has once again proven fruitless.

WANTED: SINGLE HEROES
City hall announces a Valentines-themed fundraising event
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Jacob Capello
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In reaction to the tragedy at Fowler's Museum, city hall is once again requesting the assistance of Los Angeles' finest - but this time, to bolster some much needed holiday spirit. City hall has extended an open invitation to LA's celebrities - whether they be actors, models, or superheroes - to help raise money as part of the Celebrity Singles Auction.

Volunteers will be bid on by donators, the winners of which will enjoy an evening of their chosen celebrities' hospitality. It should be noted that the personal security of volunteers will be the city's top concern, and that all "dates" will take place in a safe and fun environment.

"Everyone could use the chance for a distraction," said Clara Morales, an up and coming actress in Hollywood and one of the first to volunteer. "It's not even about romance, really. It's about using Valentine's day as a chance to become closer to the people of LA."

All donations will be given to the Fowler Fund, a charity focusing on the rebuilding of the museum and the support of the disaster's many affected families.